It was one of those days, the kind of days that I'm awake but not really because I didn't get enough sleep. It was one of those days, when I found myself semi-awake, staring out of the bus window, at the passing scenery that I've seen at least a thousand times before. It was the same scenes, rows and rows of houses, trees, bodies of water and cars. I stared out, with the wind blowing on my head due to some open window five rows before mine, listened to the mild hum of people talking, and the constant sound of the bus engine.
It was one of those days, where I found myself reflecting. Just reflecting. It was a complete wtf moment since it's been happening to me a lot lately. Just thinking. Pondering. I feel like I'm in one of those out-of-body moments when you see everything you do from a third-person point of view. I feel like such an annoying and stubborn teenager right now after I've reflected. God, I sound like I'm thirty and in a mid-life crisis. #wtf
Life sucks and yeah. Faced rejection five times in this past week. It was harsh. Really, really harsh. Basically, I got told that I wasn't good at whatever I was doing by five different people/organizations. I want to go back in time and study like crazy or work like crazy so it wouldn't have happened. Seeing that it's not possible to go back in time, I guess I'll have to work like crazy so it doesn't happen again.
Basically, I felt this for a while now, but I feel like I'm a failure at everything I'm doing. Before, things seemed to be easy, and now the easy things are confusing. Before, when I did things, it was just with a feeling of "I have to finish this, so I'll write down stuff" and I'd be okay, but now it's like "What am I doing? I have no idea." This feeling comes hand in hand with the multiple rejections.
I really want to go to Japan or Europe so I don't feel like I'm so parochial or whatever. However, with the two feelings above combined, I feel like I will never achieve it because I'll be #foreverpoor because I'll end up with some crap job somewhere and I wouldn't be able to have enough money to go to places.
This also ties in with the first two things in this list that's not really a review of the past week, despite the title. I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing in school, and things just happen "just because".
One overall phrase sums this up: Teenage Mid-Life Crisis. A quote from Twilight comes to mind, when Bella says that was born middle-aged and gets older every year. That idea horrifies me to the craziest extent. I have an image of a stubborn, matronly, and uptight woman a la the Gryffindor woman professor (her name eludes me at the moment) except in a teenage body. Oh the horror.
I honestly don't even know if I'm a teenager mentally. School makes me so tired. It matures us. At least mine does.
Anyways, schoolwork calls, as usual. Will blog sometime or the other... I think.