I yearn for the days when I can just close my eyes and drift. I see past memories, dreams of the future, the present and fantasies. But, I also see past failures, wishes that could never be fulfilled, and dreams that are constant reminds of my own failures.
I have a friend and I recently found her tumblr. In many ways, I'm jealous of her. I wish I could write like her, fluid and open. I write awkwardly and sometimes, it's just a jumble of words mixed together. It's only when I find a topic that love that I can write openly and fluidly.
I am many things, mostly things that are contradictory. I am a blogger, a writer, a reader, a hopeless romantic, a realist, a person who hates writing, and above all, a person who searches for the person I'm going to be.
The reality of life scares me. For nearly 17 years, I've been protected in a happy little bubble by my family and friends. Facing the idea that I'll be on my own and forging my own path in life is so, so scary.
I've come to see my failures. My failures at school. My failures in life. I like the rain that erases everything. A clean new slate. A new day. A new beginning. But nothing can erase the failures that make up a part of me. They're always there. Always will be.
A teacher once told me, "Failure isn't when you don't get what you want. Failure is when you stop trying." That phrase has sstuck with me, and now, I reflect on it. Have I stopped trying? Yes, I suppose. It's so hard to keep that goal in mind. It's so far away, yet so near. Always and always. I've never really known what I wanted in life. I'v ehad flashes where I find myself working for something, and then I stop. I lose that feeling of, "I need to reach that goal, no matter what." I think I've found something for once that I really, really want. I want to prove myself.
You can never fail if you keep on trying.