a thousand goodbyes


I've always had a weakness for elegiac pieces, and I guess it's my time to add mine to the mix. It may or may not turn out elegaic, and right now I really don't care what it turns out to be, as long as I can express myself. I don't know if I'll make sense in the following paragraphs, but all I want at the moment is to write down the things that I've been feeling for a while. 

The sky was raining that day, and in my heart, I thought it was because the sky was crying, too. It was fitting somehow, the day being so dark and cold and with what happened. It was like a movie, except I was living it...

The rain kept drizzling down... Down... Down... Down... The only memory I have of rain at three years old is the one of a normal school day. In many ways, it's like the day that you left. A school day, and you took me to school. For once, we weren't walking to school, and I relished that moment. It was so fun. I kicked my legs in delight, when you proposed that we didn't have to walk in the pouring rain and held your hand. My hand was so small then. 

You once said to me that I had long fingers, and somehow, I found that to be irrelevant in the bigger world. Maybe it is. Does having a small hand or a large hand make a difference? I don't know, and at the moment, I really don't care to know. But, I smile at the memory, because my hands seemed so pudgy. You saw through everything that I thought were flaws, and told me the words the truth. I didn't believe it then, and some things I still don't believe now, but you said them with your twinkling eyes, and somehow, everything became okay. 

I remember you asking me if I was okay. You did that Asian thing with the pointer finger and the thumb making a circle, raising the other fingers. The five year old me laughed, and recalling the memory now, I smile. 

Thinking about the memories now, I cannot help but smile. It's not a happy smile, but it's not a sad smile. I can see you saying, "Be happy" with your big, twinkly eyes, and as much as I don't want to, I will try. The smile now, is  a bittersweet smile. I remember the good days, and I'd rather say there, than remember the present. 

As I grew up, things weren't as memorable. As cliche as this is, I feel regret. There are so many things I should have done, and should have said. I tried to in the end, to grasp the falling strands, to make something out of nothing. I tried in vain, so I could clear the my conscience, because I knew. I knew... I... 

Maybe that's why I can't forgive myself, and I can't get myself to say things properly. It's the reason I'm writing this. To say the things I never said, because I am... in many ways... a coward. 

I know, should have done more. I should of tried harder. But... in many ways, I hope you can see this, where ever you are. You weren't really much of a religious person, but I hope that you are happy. 

Happiness. I hope you are happy. You were always happy in my memories and I hope you can continue to be happy. 

我爱你。 

I never got to say that, did I? I wish I could go back and say it, a thousand times.

Rest in peace. 安息。

























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Maira Gall