December Recap

We all have our dark moments, but eventually we will see the light.
If I had to say which moment of my short life was my "darkest" moment, I'd pick right now. If you follow my twitter  (Was that a shameless plug to get you to follow my twitter?), you'd know that I've been watching some Korean dramas lately. I'm not the type to, because I never find enough time and I'm always, always working on something school-related or art-related. It's just... not the typical "me". (What is typical "me"? That's a question for anothe rtime.)

When I was in middle school, I was depressed. I wasn't gloomy, rather it manifested itself as cynicism and sarcasm. I was really, really sarcastic when I was younger (I'm still a little sarcastic at times.) and it helped me deal with my life. I didn't really need to talk to people because I was so sarcastic. People thought I was a prickly person, and it was okay. I'm naturally shy, and I don't really like talking to people, so I didn't really mind. However, sometimes, I'd wish I could change, and that maybe, I could talk to more people.

When I entered high school, it was a lot easier. It suddenly didn't matter (not that it did before) what I was doing. There was so many people, and I slowly realized how inconsequential I was. It helped. One by one, my friends moved away, and I was taken out of my comfort zone. I hated it. I started school the following year, and I was so, so lost. I hadn't felt that way in a long time. It wasn't like moving, because I knew everyone and everyone knew me, but I didn't have my "place" anymore.

In a way, that helped, too. I had to discover who I really was, and be in a new comfort zone. Am I really that sarcastic, or is it just a way to cope? Slowly, I began to feel comfortable, and I became more positive.

I haven't really thought about my life, seriously contemplating it since middle school. I haven't been in a "dark moment" in a really long time. This month, though, just piled a bunch of things on me, and I couldn't take it. I was suddenly taken back to middle school, and that feeling of confusion and loneliness. It was a mixture of family and personal issues that really killed it. Just poof.

This month, I experienced a level of confusion and lost that I haven't really felt before. It's probably because I realized how truly, truly precious life is through a family matter. Later this month, I became sick and missed a lot of school. When I went back, I was suddenly backlogged with a bunch of missed work and class. I missed a lot of sleep last week, and today, I only got three hours of sleep. A bunch of personal relationship stuff (friends) and school just messed it up. It's funny how lack of sleep can do funny things to your head.

So yeah, I'm trying to figure out my life and who I am. Isn't that a fun adventure for break?


No comments

Post a Comment

© Crazy Red Pen
Maira Gall